My Effing Scholarship

~Being a scholarship holder isn't easy~

2 events yesterday made me want 2 say dat.

1) Some guy (in claz) kept asking bout Hema's grades (subject by subject) & her GPA. After every answer he said "But you're Hema! U can't get dis kinda marks! You're Hema!"

Do you know how seriously irritating dat is? Dahla lecturer tengah ngajar kat depan, budak ni sibuk kacau kita, dengan sedapnya demoralizing us. Saying dat "U're nt supposed 2 get dat results" is sorta motivating 2 us; it shows dat ppl look up to us. However, there's a limit whereby those repeated comments should stop. Period. After dat, it becomes demoralizing & annoying, not to mention plain rude.

Ppl look @ Hema & I & immediately assume we're geniuses while d fact is, we worked our asses off 2 get d scholarship. Ko tau tak, nk dapat scholarship tu bukannya mustahil. U jz hv 2 work for it. Having scholarships doesn't mean we're super special 4-flat students, especially in degree. So wat if we got barely above 3.1 in our first sem? Wat's important is dat we tried la. After all, we're humans.

2) Some girl (outside claz) said dat she had 2 worry bout spending & saving her parents' money while Hema & I didn't cz d 2 of us had scholarships.

My first reaction (inside) was

Wat the fuck?!

U tink we damn fun ah ada scholarships? We're d ones working our butts off 2 keep our scholarships barely afloat while others sedap2 skip classes & get a PTPTN loan. Here's one more thing: Having a scholarship doesn't mean we're rich or have more money to spend. It means we care enuf bout our parents' finances & hope save more money. Others pulak can skip classes, go on outings, balik rumah frequently. Who's d one wasting their parents' money? Ngata orang tapi tak sedar diri.

OK la, maybe we have no right to comment on how you burn "save" yr parents' money. But then, ko ingat mentang2 Hema & I ada biasiswa, ko boleh tepek muka kita ngan label "Xtra money to spend"?

Wat da hell do you tink you're saying?!

The money we saved from the scholarship does not go into our hands to fling around. We DO NOT, we repeat, DO NOT have extra money to spend jz bcoz of our scholarship.


Since you're so adamant bout saving yr parents' money, here's some tips from Mr. I-have-more-money-to-spend-so-I-don't-give-a-damn-bout-my-parents'-finances a.k.a me:

• ~Cut your class-skipping acts. If you use your brain & think,

Skipping classes does not equal saving yr parents' money.
In contrast, you're skipping something yr parents' actually paid for.
Sorry ah....I retract d last statement. U have a loan rite? Not yr parents paying...sorry2...

• ~Get better grades. Dat reduces d chances of u failing & repeating subjects. Tolong gok mak ayah mu jimat skit yuran.
  
• ~Reduce yr outings. I simply don't get the point of goin out, spending money, & then claiming that "My parents aren't dat well off....I nid 2 help them save money."
• ~Cut travel costs. Balik rumah every weekend tapi kabo nak jimat duit.
• ~Off d damned electrical appliances when u're nt using them. Suka2 je keluar rumah tapi kipas, lampu, laptop bukak siap ngan lagu/movie lagi untuk hantu2 bilik enjoy.

Kalu nak ngata orang, tolong pandang cermin sikit la ya. Ada masa free tu, gi lerr study. Takyah nak duk sibuk doing nothing atau termenung saja2, x wat mende2. Sy dah muak tengok mu havoc2 dekat finals sibuk nk sumbat otak mu.

Ada lagi ni sy nk lepas geram. Entah le watpe ada gok segelintir pemuda skrg hok galok ngat nunjuk benda2 mahal diaorg beli, tempat2 posh diaorg gi, cuisine2 mahal diaorg mkn. Memang la xde apa yang salah kalu belanja duit hok mu ada, especially kalu duit tu mu yg cari (kerja kot?). Tapi kan....tak pernah ker ko terfikir nk kabo ke mak ngan ayah mu: "Bulan ni takyah bg allowance byk ngat la...takpe2"??? Dari mu beli brg2 hok memang xleh bawak ke kubur, baik mu tolong skit parents ko tu yg susah ngat cari duit utk mu guna sedap2.

Ni ada skit lg paradoks nih. Ada gok minah2 hok wat dek je ms cikgu ngajar. Kalu rasa muka cikgu tu nyampah skit, ponteng. Masa tutorials wat tak tau je, sedap2 tak buat. Kalu tak pun duk salin je. Takpe kan? Kot2 ni stail mu study la....siap ngan sedap lg mu pokpek dlm kls, pas tu ngata cikgu tu. Sy blh fhm kot. Tp yg memang sy x faham ni, lps exam mu duk kecoh2, kabo formula2 ngan soalan2 semuanya "ada dlm kepala tapi takleh keluar". Dah....obviously la ada problem kat sini. Atau ada 'missing link' yg sy xtau dlm kisah ni? Someone sabotaged u?

OK, assuming nasib mu memang malang la. Mu dah cuba tapi xleh jawab gok. Yg sy memang x faham ni, gane pulak time result keluar, mu boleh ngan bangganya kabo kat sedunia: "Memang pun.....sy x study sehabuk pun." Habis, watpe pulak tadi mu duk kecoh2 sal exam yg mu xleh jwb? Pesal contradiction melebih2 ni? Entahla...

Memang byk & "berbunga2" le sy tulis ari ni...tu pun x abis lg sy marah ni. Sorry la ya si pembaca malang. Kalu sy marah kat insan2 hok gatal mulut provoke sy bukannya guna pun. Bukannya diaorg blh faham gane susahnya hidup org hok ada scholarship.

Behind our happy smiles, there are other things.
We're smiling cz we saved our parents' money. I'm nt sure whether u will even recognise dat feeling.
We're smiling cz our efforts paid off (even if mine was only 50%). Shut up if yr efforts ain't enough to justify yr results.
We're smiling cz we know we've made our parents happy.

But then....our insides aren't filled wif laughter constantly.
There's d pressure inside (indirect or direct) from others, watching & awaiting our failure.
There's d fear dat we'll lose our scholarships suddenly, killing our parents' wallets & hearts.
There's d battles wif exams which we are forced to win no matter what, unlike people who barely scrape thru & feel nice condemning others.

And of course....how do expect me to smile hearing accusatory, insensitive, rude, blatant, dumb comments from people who have no sense of looking @ their own reflection first?

Haiz....d life of a scholarship holder....who says smart ppl only attract other smart ppl? Dey attract unwanted idiotic comments too.